Tuesday, January 10, 2012

"I Don't Have It In Me"~




1 John 4:13

King James Version (KJV)

 13Hereby know we that we dwell in him, and he in us, because he hath given us of his Spirit.


"I don't have it in me." ~ I whispered to God today. I was listening to a friend go on and on with the blessings, successes and achievements in her life. I smiled! But in my secret heart ~ the contrast of my own recent loss and burdened ~ broken~ shattered heart I fought the ugly temptation to sink into my very sad place I find in my spirit today. I could say sweet things and fake it~ but I really want to be real. I wanted to coax my heart to celebrate in joy with her.

How does one attend a baby shower~when they just buried their unborn baby? How does one celebrate a friends promotion when they have just lost their job? How does a person rejoice in another's miraculous healing when their body is full of pain?  Without saying ~ "What about me~Lord?"

But ~ as I try to rejoice with my very happy friend ~ I silently confessed to the Lord. "I don't have it in me." As I am talking with my God in the silent places of my mind the recognition filled me like a deep breathe of peace. Of course I don't have the power in myself ~ just as I didn't have the power to forgive those who hurt me~ or sing a song through a throat of tears~ or rejoice in my friends mountaintop place in life when life for me is deep in the valley. I can't do any of it!

But ~ Jesus can!  ~ Hallelujah ~ Praise God from whom all blessings flow~ HE LIVES IN ME!!

Tonight in my quietness my prayer is ~ "Lord, love through me. Help me to not focus on the issues in my life so I can rejoice for my friend. It is not in me~ but it is in you."


Psalm 3

 1Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.
 2Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.
 3But thou, O LORD, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
 4I cried unto the LORD with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
 5I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me.
 6I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.
 7Arise, O LORD; save me, O my God: for thou hast smitten all mine enemies upon the cheek bone; thou hast broken the teeth of the ungodly.
 8Salvation belongeth unto the LORD: thy blessing is upon thy people. Selah.





5 comments:

Treasures Evermore said...

Oh Carrie...I am so sorry. I will be praying. I too feel the same way sometimes. Right now I am grieving the los of our adoption agency having to close...just no money to continue. The only Christian adoption agency in our province. I wonder why the Lord didn't come through with the finances...yes, it's true, I did wonder that. Why is the "world" agencies able to continue...but nothing Godly...yes, Carrie I even asked God that. Probably shouldn't of...but I did. I feel completely saddened. All four of our adoptions were with them...they are like family.

And even though we are going through the ministry for our next two adoptions...it's not the same. Like minded people...know what I mean?

Sorry to rant to you. But I understand your post...I could write a book on my life...and realizing I too do not have it in me for ________but God does...and so I lean on Him every minute of the day.

Sorry this went on so long.

Many hugs,
Connie

phylliso said...

Your title captured me & prompted me to comment.God bless you & all that you do & thank-you for reminding me that I am not alone.
Thank-you,Lord,for this day that I may find in it ways for You to shine through me,thanks,Carrie,phyllis

Debbie S. said...

Beautifully written with sweet honesty.
May God reach down and fill your heart today:)

Patty said...

Carrie, I think I've uttered those same words. In anger, in defeat, in total surrender. Two years ago we went to our sister in law's house for Christmas dinner. I had to hug her and congratulate her on the just-announced pregnancy, when four days earlier I had a miscarriage. It was difficult, seeing her at each stage, thinking that I would be in the same place if I had kept the baby. And I'm a wee bit jealous when friends mention their mom or dad during a happy event, when mine are gone, no longer part of any event. But at the end of the day, I give thanks for all my blessings, and try really hard to let go of the thorns. Thank you for reminding us often, Carrie, about what is important in each day.

Hugs !

CreativeLee said...

What a beautiful thing you wrote about, Carrie. As a Christian I've learned that sometimes our own victory comes when we are able to celebrate for someone else, and then I've know just how hard that can be. I love what you say: It is not in me~ but it is in you.

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