Yesterday at staff lunch our Pastor told us of one of his college professors who allowed them to give themselves their own grade at the end of the semester. Some thought that would be a great idea. But I hated the idea. I don't think I would ever give myself a good grade if it were left up to me.
I never think I do good enough. I am a perfectionist and I am my worst critic. I want to be a better Christian. I want to be a better wife. I obsess over the areas of my motherhood where I feel like I failed. I never feel like my house is Pinterest worthy enough. I feel like I need to do more to be good enough. I second guess every decision I make and read into every word I say. Yep~ I want to be good all the time and at everything. Perfectionism is a tough slave master. A Pastor friend asked me not long ago, "Do you always have to be perfect?" That's a big problem. I know it and I am a recovering perfectionist. I am praying that God will help me with this problem which is really the sin of fear of never being accepted or loved for just being me.
The problem is that in my walk with God this tends to lead to legalism and that is very ugly! Self -righteousness.... self-sufficiency... independence... no matter what you call it, it is "I" and not "God." I have spent three years in a spiritual wilderness as God has been prying my hands off "gotta be good enough." He has been showing me how my perfectionism has turned into a goodness gospel and He has been calling me into grace. A new place of grace and goodness where I can rest and depend only on Him and that is the most wonderful place to be~ depending one step at a time on my Heavenly Father.
Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. I John 4:10
As ye therefore, received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him. Colossians 2:6